You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
