I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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