I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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