I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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