I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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