If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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