someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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