It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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