I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize