Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
