I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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