you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
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I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
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Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
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