I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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