i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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