I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
