I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
