She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
