The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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