my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
