So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Say something about gay babies.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
