so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
