Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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