grandma shit on top of the toilet
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
