I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
