Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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