One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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