dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the liver wants what the liver wants
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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