Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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