she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
