People in love make me want to vomit
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
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I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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