Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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