Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
