Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
