remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
