Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
