So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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