he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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