And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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