TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
