I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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