I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
