You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
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I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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