I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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