it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
