...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child