My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The feeling are messing with the penis
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..