i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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