the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
