You're my little dorito
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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