I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
His nipple licking is glorious
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