This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
