I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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