There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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